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Advice: How to Rate a Restaurant

December 6, 2017

"If I want 5 star experiences I'm only going to 5 star places." - Vince Staples


I have a coworker who loves to leave Yelp reviews and I have a problem with the types of reviews she leaves. She reviews like she goes everywhere expecting a 5 star experience but she never goes to 5 star places. That math is never going to work out. I witnessed her give a Chili's a 2 star review but if you're looking for a 5 star experience why are you at a Chili's? First of all, Chili’s is a 2 star establishment. Applebee’s, Friday’s, Outback, Ihop, all them joints, 3 stars at BEST.


What do I look like walking into a Denny's or a Waffle House expecting 5 stars? I’m clearly either cheap or don't have 5 star money. That's what’s wrong with people, always got high expectations out of context. Every restaurant exists within a context, if you have a 2 star experience at a Chili's that's 5 stars on the review right there. If you have a terrible experience within a 2 star context that's a different story, otherwise your expectations were met realistically and you got exactly what you came for.


Just a few days ago a man cooked his own meal in a Waffle House because the staff was asleep. That's a 5 star experience. That's what it's all about, y'all need to lighten up and learn something this man.


Unless you really like Chili's (which is a thing, kind of how I rock heavy with Friday's) you only walk in because your options are limited or you're broke. You already know what time it is. The place isn't gonna be spotless, the service isn't gonna be perfect, the food isn't gonna blow you away, if any of that happens at a Chili's I'm suspicious. Those are all 4 and 5 star expectations. You set yourself up for disappointment and I'm glad you didn't have a good time, dummy. Here's what you should have asked: Did I get my food? Was it hot? Was it edible? Am I full? How do I make money that matches my taste? Those are all 2 or 3 star questions, if all the boxes check out that's 5 stars within the context.


If the place has deals on their meals, like that 2 for 20 or 4 for 4, it indicates the emphasis is on quantity not quality. Humble yourself. You're gonna ruin this establishment's clout because you don't know how to scale your expectations appropriately? What a joke.


Here's my scale if you'd like a reference


Tier 1: McDonald's, Chick-Fil-A, Dominos, Wendy’s, Carry Out etc

Tier 2: Chili's, Ihop, Waffle House, Friday’s, Buffalo Wild Wings, etc

Both of these exist within a 2 to 3 star context. I go in with no other expectation than to eat. A substantial serving is ~$10.00


Tier 3 (non-chain/owned locally): Stand alone restaurants

Exist within a 3 to 4 star context. I go in expecting to have a pleasant experience: to be impressed by the food and the service with no hiccups. An adequate serving is ~$20.00


Tier 4 (the real deal): Anything I'm paying over 30 dollars for a serving OR restaurants awarded a Michelin star OR my own cooking. I expect to be wowed, to experience something that cannot be replicated.

Exist within a 5 star context.


I'm not rating Chili's on the same scale as Métier. It’s all about performing well in your lane. You're about to feed your whole family for $19.95 and that on its own isn't enough???? You better get a grip and give that Chili's the 5 stars it deserves. 



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