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Review: LimeBike

December 5, 2017

Y'all remember LimeWire?


That service that allowed you to download any possible file you could think of at the risk of sacrificing your computer's soul. Sent my first laptop to the shadow realm no questions asked and then my mom sent me to the shadow realm shortly thereafter. Having never fully recovered, when the service was shut down in 2010 I said good riddance. The only thing that lime logo brings back is the fear of my mom finding out I fucked up. It scarred me. I'm talking no lime with my tequila, no sprite, no lemon-lime Gatorade, I was lime free. Or so I thought.


In comes LimeBike. The newest worst addition to the Washington Metropolitan Area.


You definitely know about these bikes but you probably didn't learn about them through advertising or brand ambassadors, no no no, you learned by suddenly seeing bright ass lime colored bikes practically laying in the street all over the place. You see, LimeBike is supposed to be Zipcar for bikes. You know how you can just park a Zipcar wherever? Here's why that works so well - it's because you can only park a car in a parking space. As long as the car is in a parking space it is pretty much where it's supposed to be. But what about an obnoxiously colored bike laying on its side in the middle of the sidewalk? If your immediate response wasn't "I don't like that", I'm sorry, you're a sociopath.


LimeBike says don't let competitors like Capital Bikeshare, which encourages order by housing bikes in designated stations throughout the city, tell you how to behave like a civilized human being. Take a deep breath and JUST LEAVE THE BIKE WHEREVER YOU WANT. That's what real  freedom is. Why would anyone limit you by requiring you return the bikes to designated areas when you can just pop the kickstand (or not) and leave the bike on the corner in everyone's way?















LOOK AT THIS. Over the course of one day. It's like they brought LimeWire into physical form except instead of slowing down my computer they're slowing down my commute. Y'all are not paying me for the time I lose having to navigate around sometimes up to like 6 bikes poorly placed on the sidewalk. I don't get those seconds back.


I have nothing against bikeshares. I think that they're brilliant and LimeBike is probably cashing big checks as we speak. The system is actually incredibly affordable and really convenient, especially when you factor in the app's ability to locate all LimeBikes in the area but I just can't stand these damn bikes. Y'all might think I'm being dramatic but that's just because they haven't flooded your neighborhood yet. If you live in the DMV it's only a matter of time, all these new bikeshares and DC is about to be looking like Copenhagen except with trash paint jobs.


Here's the verdict:


Just $1.00 to ride and unparalleled convenience but at the cost of a horrendous paint job and losing all sauce once your ass is on the seat. Total underestimation of people's willingness to leave these bikes in any kind of order and a company name reminiscent of a service that became infamous for ruining lives.


4/10 for completely selfish reasons. Capital Bikeshare forever.


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