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On Chewing Pens

November 5, 2017

Listen okay, we've all got bad habits. Cracking knuckles, biting nails, heroine, whatever, but one thing that really gets me is people relentlessly chewing on things. Yeah yeah I get it, it helps you think and all that but hear me out. You ever lend someone your pen and get it back chewed up?? Or worse ask somebody for something to write with and then they have the AUDACITY to hand you their DNA encrusted, spit all dried up ass pen? The disrespect. Honestly just say you don't have anything, save me the trouble of being grossed out and save yourself the trouble of knowing you just grossed me out. 


Anyway, I'm at a hearing a couple weeks back and it's packed. The guy sitting next to me has a notepad with him, so clearly some note taking is about to take place, nothing surprising there. I'm fully invested in the hearing when something begins to pull my attention away; it takes a moment but I eventually identify it as the faint sound of heavy breathing. It's that guy and he's fucking tearing into this pen. I don't know if he was nervous or hungry or whatever but this pen is GLISTENING with spit. 


He takes it out, writes something, and slips it back in like one of them freezerpops. In the fucking zone.


Then, one of the hearing's participants says something interesting and he turns to me and points his pen at me while asking me my thoughts on what we just heard. Boy I've never leaned my head out of the way so fastttttt. Not gonna catch me in the path of no strangers spit TODAY. I respond quickly and then resume leaning forward, trying to re-immerse into the event.


He leans with me.


After 5 straight minutes, an eternity honestly, of this man taking out what absolutely has to have been a lifelong grudge against BIC pens, the air around us started to smell like saliva. If you don't know what I mean, GOOD, your life's still got some grace to it. Do you know how long someone's mouth needs to be open and producing spit to get the air like that? DO YOU? TOO LONG, THE ANSWER IS TOO. LONG. I tried to endure it but I couldn't, I just couldn't handle it. The noise, the breathing, the smell, that poor, poor pen. You'd think the pen destroyed his family or something, no inanimate object deserves such torture and disrespect.


So I moved. With no other seats available, I just stood in the back.


Long story short, if you chew on shit, find a better bad habit.

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